Flapjacks etc

We woke to a full Scottish breakfast which is really a special thing.

· Porridge with heavy cream and golden syrup

· Thick Bacon (like a combo of our bacon mixed with Canadian bacon)

· Mushrooms (Sautéed in garlic)

· Two stewed tomatoes

· Scrambled Eggs with loads of cream

· Toast

· Strong Coffee

Mushrooms for breakfast sounds a bit odd but it is amazing. I am converted and I think I will be bringing that back with me..

We thought we had an easy day of riding on tap as we were riding 24 miles from Killin to Callander. No rain to start off with but 1 mile in we were in the biggest downpour of the trip on single track with mud splattering everywhere. It was awesome. A mile of dryness was enough to warm us up before the onslaught of cold rain so we were fine. We made our way up a very steep 4-mile climb. It felt like we were going backwards but we finally hit the top.

We were then treated to the most phenomenal road I have ever ridden. This is super dorky but it was like riding through the scene in Harry Potter where they are riding on the Hogwarts Express across a massive arched stone bridge. It was halfway up a mountain overlooking an enormous valley with a river running down the center. A Loch was in the distance with mountains on either side. We were blasting down a dirt road surrounded by mossy stones and lush greenery. It was so green it would have made Hulk jealous. Parts were completely exposed and we could see everything. All I have to say is God is good.

After the best road in the world we hit some hairpin switchbacks…these are tough on roadbikes and hellishly dangerous on a tandem. It was a super technical day, mostly off-road and quite rainy in points. The rain kicked up tons of mud and by the time we rolled into Callander, we looked like two hogs covered in slop. Caitlin was in a good mood and sang ‘tryin to catch me ridin dirty’ for miles which, as you can imagine, was a delight. Also when we would hit bumps or come upon little ramps in the road, she would insist on hitting them at top speed and scream “air, air, air!” Getting a tandem to lift off or catch air is completely reckless so I disregarded her jabbering, which she made quite difficult to do.

Once we arrived in Callander we feasted on steak pies and headed off for ice cream and flapjacks. Flapjacks are basically granola bars with 15 times the butter. They are the most delicious little snacks in the world and I am becoming quite picky about my flapjacks. I hunt for them wherever I go and through experimentation I have found that my flapjacks must meet the following criteria:

· Use margarine over normal butter- margarine provides a chewier and moister consistency and butter’s flavor clashes with the sweetness of the golden syrup

· Golden syrup instead of brown sugar- you American swine wouldn’t understand. You’re probably thinking, “Golden syrup? Is that some special seasonal variant of Aunt Jemimah?? LOL!!!!!” No you idiot and stop laughing out loud. Nothing is funny. Golden syrup is the nectar of Gods and has nothing to do with that brown syrupy bilge water you are trying to pass off as a breakfast staple.

· Rolled oats must be pressed together to achieve super dense status. It better not crumble. My flapjacks MUST be neither dry nor crumbly. If I wanted a bullshit granola bar, I would have got one. Nothing is worse than being duped into thinking you are about to indulge in the world’s tastiest snack only to find yourself with a mouthful of dehydrated bat guano and oats that Quaker calls a snack.

The greatest story ever told about a tandem

The next day was purportedly our “most arduous day in the saddle”. It was 54 miles with an 8-10 mile climb through a mountain pass where Robert the Bruce fought the English. We also were slated to ride passed the oldest tree in the UK… over 2000 years old. Needless to say, we were pretty pumped to get going. When we woke up, however, it was dumping rain and the winds were raging. Cait had brought a raincoat that would help a bit… Naturally, I wasn’t so bright. It would have been a day to stay inside and play Star Wars monopoly except for the fact that we needed to get to the next town as that’s where we had a hotel booked. There was no time to put a stardock on Tatooine nor to go directly to galactic jail! So the decision was made for us and we headed out the door.

The temp was in the 50’s as we walked out into the downpour. I muttered something along the lines of “we need to ride our asses off for the first 15 minutes to warm up and then it’ll be fine” combined with several other choice obscenities. And hard we rode, desperately trying to prevent the teeth-chattering cold from seeping in too far. It was a chore to keep the rubber side down and to keep the bike from flopping in the wind as it was blasting us on the sides and from the front at random intervals. The rain sheeted into our faces. An hour later, we stopped to grab some hot drinks. Tea and hot chocolate helped some but stopping in a warm store made starting out again much worse. We then headed up the large climb that would last somewhere between 8 and 10 miles. It turned us inside out as both of us were fighting with the behemoth tandem trying to will it up the hill. Those things do not like changes in elevation. Finally the climb ended and we bombed down to Loch Tay.

We rounded the loch thinking we were home free but the terrain turned on us as we were faced with 15 miles of stinging climbs that got up to 13% grades. 13% feels like 30% on a loaded down hybrid tandem and, even in the granny gear, I was burning up my matches all over the place trying to get to our final stop in Killin. Cait and I were absolutely ragged when we rolled into Killin. It quite possibly could have been the hardest day I have ever had in the saddle. Despite this, we actually had quite a good day considering the overall nastiness and discomfort of the conditions and the difficulty of the route. We rode well and stayed in good spirits for 99% of the day. A few climbs demoralized us and took us within calories of bonking but we stuck it out and rolled the tandem over the top. Caitlin provided much needed diesel power as I was running on E towards the end.

Gassed, we changed clothes, showered, and headed to what would be a lunch that will not soon be forgotten. I was dead on my feet and my brain felt like it was a scrambled egg. The lunch was the only thing keeping me out of a coma. We took down the following in one very short sitting: 2 baguettes covered in bacon, cranberry sauce and Brie cheese, salads with balsamic vinaigrette, lentil soup, goat cheese tartlets with caramelized onions, multiple chocolate bars, and couple cappuccinos. Then we headed back to the B&B to try to dry our clothes for the next day… ironic and futile as it was going to piss rain all the next day too.

It was a good day.

We love activities

The next day we went to paintball. No one was there when we arrived and we had second thoughts about the validity of the touring company we had booked. All unfounded as people showed up and we got introduced and slightly frightened by the activities on tap. Turns out paintball is watered down and not very painful…but it is incredibly fun. It is like a massively enjoyable game of capture-the-flag combined with duck hunt…except the duck is your wife. Well actually I was the duck as Caitlin was a natural and sniped me multiple times as well as lighting into our instructor. She shot him in the head three times and in the neck once…in one game. He was a bit taken a back and I heard him whining to the other instructors and showing them his neck welt.... It was also really funny to see here in shooting gear too.
The next day was canyoning, which is a combination of scrambling, climbing, and cliff jumping all in a river gorge. It was nuts and very good fun. We flopped all over the riverbed and Cait and I were scrambling and jumping off stuff like baby howler monkeys.
Following canyoning, the meat of our tandem riding began with a 40+ mile ride to the middle of the Scottish moors. The town of Rannoch is little more than a train station and a B&B. I am not sure why it exists actually but the B&B has phenomenal scotch and beer and the cycling was, again, some of the best I have done. Caitlin and I are setting that tandem on fire. It is literally like a 60 pound bike the way we have it loaded down. It’s also an upright tandem. Basically it is made to go slow, but we completely disregarded its intention on being a beach cruiser and we have that thing ripping along the lochs at dangerous speeds. I love it and Caitlin is incredible at providing pure diesel power and making my turning job much easier as she mimics my pedaling perfectly. It is tough to handle a tandem if you have a floppy idiot in the back, but Cait has been magic and it feels like I am riding a single person bike which is ridiculous on a tandem which can just as easily feel like handling a school bus with monster truck tires on ice.

Edinburgh

We stopped in Edinburgh and had learned to book a hotel. It was literally next to the station. We stepped off the train and immediately fell in love with Scotland. We plopped our luggage down and ran back to the streets to wander around. The architecture was incredible. It is exactly as you would imagine, with massive stone buildings that seemingly have been untouched for hundreds of years. Castles and statues are everywhere and our eyes were literally bugging out of our skulls. We stopped in a pub for fish and chips, beer, and steak pie and then headed off to a ghost-tour. It basically took you into the crypts of Edinburgh and told the history of death and other unmentionables throughout the city’s checkered past. We also walked through the cemetery and heard tales of poltergeists. It gave me such a fright that I peed my pants in front of everyone :( .

The next day we were off to a small town called Pitlochery. It makes every euro touristy town in America look like stupid broken down slums. That’s right Holland, Solvang, and Frankenmuth. Step your game up. This place was so picturesque it made me want to vomit with excitement at the charm of it all.

Our bike tour started the next day when we were introduced to our 10-day biking itinerary and had our first 25-mile spin on the tandem. We promptly got lost and turned it into a 50 miler. No worries as it was some of the most brilliant cycling ever with perfect roads and some of the most untouched perfection I have ever seen. I hate to say this but Scotland is a massive stereotype from our experience. I mean that in the best possible way. It is literally like everything could be made into a corny postcard. Everything is lovely and the place is so lush, green, rolling, and quaint you couldn’t possibly comprehend it from one lowly blogger’s ramblings... more to come.

Honeymoon

Our honeymoon started off with a slightly ridiculous upgrade to first class. The seats were like something from the Jetsons. It was like a space pod. They laid completely flat, came with a free toiletry bag with sleep masks, more food than any body has a right to, and the knowledge that others were suffering in coach. All of the prior provided more joy than anticipated. Two naps, a steak, several deserts, and a full breakfast later we were in London. I had mistakenly booked a hotel literally multiple towns over. Idiot. We wandered around London for what seemed like forever. We discovered that the underbelly of London (where we were staying) and the people were, for lack of a better word, unwelcoming.

Finally we found our hotel and walked in to find a stinkhole in the middle of a run down and slightly seedy part of town. We flopped down, jetlagged, and napped until 8. We then woke up and wandered for food. We headed to the King’s Cross area desperately searching for platform 9 ¾. If you don’t understand the reference, read a G-D harry potter book already. We didn't find the platform as it was suspiciously under construction... I think it was a ploy to keep harry potter zealots away. However, we did find Lucy Abernethy's apartment building somewhat serendipitously. She lived and worked in London for roughly a semester and it was cool to see her old home. We found some Japanese food and it was excellent. The next day we headed back to King’s Cross and hopped a train to Edinburgh, happy to leave the poorly dressed and surly Londoner’s behind.

Forgot what I was talking about

I'm just going to word vomit until I catch up to the present...

I did some small race in Santa Barbara... I won too!! I swam fast and ran faster. Very good turnover on the run. Happy.

I then went to San Francisco. I went to see Matt Inch and Aaron Scheidies race 'Escape from Alcatraz'. And escape they did... Good race and awesome to watch. I followed them all over the course and relayed messages back to Aaron's agent, Carie. I got in about 25 miles of running in two days which was awesome. I think San Fran is one of the best running cities in the country. If you disagree, maybe you should spend more time running and less time reading blogs and then you would have a valid opinion.

The last few weeks have been a haze of over caffeination and over indulgence in its downer counterpart. I am now starting to level out again thanks to a couple deep sleeps.

Another note is the nastiness that is driving to and from SF was compounded by the fact that our camry is coming apart at the seams. The front exhaust is rusted out so now it sounds like a very impressive muscle car... with four cylinders. The slowest accelerating muscle car in history. It's pathetic. We took it in and are renting a retired cop car (Ford crown victoria). Now I see why cops, old people, and my dad love this beast of a car. It is a V8 sedan!!! It drives up hills like it is mocking the terrain and mother nature. It's so powerful it makes women and small children cry as it passes. It has trunk space to fit 4-6 bodies (no joke) and leg room to boot. Overall this is the best car I have ever seen and the fact that you look like an undercover cop in it means you can speed to your heart's content. Why, it'll be our little secret. I've already been perusing autotrader to upgrade to a cop car...with leather seats, naturally. You should too.

Now is time to gear up for the wedding!

Mexico

After that luke warm, mushy rice sort of a race, I promptly bounced off to Mexico. It was mainly work related but that is a loose term as I expected it to be packaging stuff book-ended by heavy drinking.

This was indeed the case as I ended up conducting most of the business in a beery haze. How professional. We closed out a bar and ate what must have been nearly half a cow's worth of steak between 3 people. I also took down nearly a whole cheesecake, solo! I felt like I needed a stomach pump. Gluttonous. Anyways, it went well. I used a ton of Spanish which actually came back quite quickly...I don't claim to know really anything, but I can get my point across which is the goal of communication, eh?

Me and Tom (my manager) both got a bit of Montezuma's revenge (the squirts) from some sketchy Mexican food (tacos covered in mysterious brown sauce...foreshadowing??). We have sally American guts that can only deal with sterile baby food and things that have been washed forty times. Pathetic.

Then off to Michigan!!!! By this time, I was falling in love with the airlines all over again!!!!!! So magical. Seriously every one of my flight legs was delayed by at least two hours. I think it would upset the Wright bros to see how their beautiful invention has been perverted by Spirit and Delta.

I promise I will catch you up to real time soon! Listen, bloggers...some of us have lives. Relax and I will get to it.

203,495 people who read this also hate flying Spirit.