Sunday, December 12, 2010

Blair Witch Running PSA

Listen, bloggers. I am writing a PSA. Being prepared is critical. This extends from how to handle your food when camping, to knowing how to fix a flat tire, and even to predator/prey situations. Don't bother reading this if your idea of a good time is cozying up on the sofa and catching up on your DVD of Lost Season 2. Continue reading if you have one too many coffees and start thinking that finding a coyote in the wild and attacking it might be a good idea. You are my target audience...

Some baller taking life by the B@ll$ and confronting a coyote on Snowboard

Here goes:

You never know when you will need to escape. But I can tell you one thing... if you wait to find out when, it's already too late. Constant vigilance isn't enough. You need to be ready. I know you're probably thinking, "HOLY CRAP! What if I get eaten by a falcon or worse? JP! HELP! LOL! TELL US WHAT TO DO." Settle down. You're lucky I am writing this.

Escaping is critical. It is an essential skill that few, in our sedentary, feeding trough society, could do properly. So without further ado: here is my guide for developing your flight mechanism.

1. Get a headlamp (all good ideas start here)
2. Lie in wait til that bothersome sun goes away and has been gone for several hours. Make sure the moon isn't around either.
3. Play some "Comfort Eagle" by cake, bong a few energy drinks, and snort some cayenne. This is a critical step to heighten your senses.
4. Go outside and run directly into a forest.
5. Run around until you are disoriented. This should take at least 30 minutes.
6. Now... you should be around some animals. Even squirrels will do... Remember, this is a dry run. It's better if the animals aren't big.
7. With your heightened senses from step 3 and sight deprivation, your ears are firing on all cylinders.
8. Stop and turn off your light.
9. As soon as you hear a twig crack, SPRINT for your life. It's the blair witch you dumb ass.
10. You should be lost by now, just like those stupid kids. You are probably also frightened. Don't panic or pee yourself, you coward. Use your wits to get home. The key is to sprint like a scared rabbit every time you hear anything.

Repeat this as many times as needed until you feel equipped to deal with any bird of prey attack or run in with a bully.

I am training again! I'm back baby.

1 comment:

Sean said...

1) LOST prepares a person for survival. So suck it.

2) What the hell do you do with your spare time?

3) I'm calling you out on the cayenne. I tried to get you to snort it at Il Forno's, but no dice. "Oh, they might throw us out for that." Pansy.