Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Public Service Announcement:Pugs and their owners

I have a serious issue with how people personify their animals. There is something that is so backwards about a world where people are starving and animals take on their owner's obesity.

Case Study: Star Jones and Mikey the Rotweiller

Mikey didn't chose this life. Star forced it on him. Do you think Mikey chose to wear that ridiculous necklace? Someone needs to stop that pushy monster before that dog breaks his own legs.

However, much worse than Star Jones' transgressions are those of pug owners. These people are so blinded by their own devotion to these horrible creatures. It drives them to name them human names like steve, charles, or chester because they think it is cute or something. I think the thought process goes something like this...

"OOOOOOOO he's my little man! LOL... what should I call him???? OH I KNOW! I'll name him James Snugglesworth the Third because he is such a proper little gentlemen. LOL!"

for example of this... watch this video and listen to how this man talks to this animal. Note how he says, "Look at that stoagie! WOOWWW."


They are also blinded to the pug's hideous features. It looks like someone took a normal dog and beat its face with a shovel then put it in a microwave. Not noticing this is sort of like a new parent not realizing that they have the ugliest baby in the world.

Someone should tell them. The pug is easily in the top three ugliest things in nature which puts it in the rare company of the proboscis monkey and Beans from Even Stevens

I don't mean to hurt any feelings (sorry for that cheap shot, Beans). The actions of pug owners really say it all.

  1. Everyone involved in this video forgot about self respect a long time ago
  2. Souldja pug (this is most boring form of animal abuse I have ever seen)
  3. this pug is so disinterested in bringing sexy back

If you have a pug or know someone with a pug, put that thing in the freezer as quickly as possible or drive a stake through its stubby tail. At the very least, neuter it. The pug owner will thank you as this will break them of that bizarre pug trance that drives people to dress the dog up.

Monday, April 27, 2009


I met Aaron Scheidies in my freshmen year at MSU. He was the president and is a blind triathlete. Naturally, this is kind of hard as you need to see pretty well to race. Especially on the bike where Aaron, if left to his own devices, could run over a dog or smash into a telephone pole. He saves the dogs and poles by using a guide. Yesterday, I got my first chance to guide him!

He flew in from Seattle on Friday. He stayed with me for a bit then we went to a small (or so we thought) race a little east of LA. When he talked about this race, he said it was a dinky sprint that he wanted to do because he knew the race director. It was a reverse tri (5k, 10mile bike, 150m swim). He sent me the website and I saw it had a gigantic prize purse! 2500 for first. I called him up to ask him about this. He isn't completely blind so he can use a computer if he presses his eye up to the screen and uses a zoom program that makes words look as large as Star Jones tattoos. Sorry, I'm catty.

Anyway, he hadn't seen this and once he realized that huge money was on the line, he was in attack mode. We showed up to the line thinking no pros would show up to this obscure race. wrong. Over the loud speaker we heard, "And we have olympic silver medalist, and IM world champ, Michellie Jones in the house. Also, Bryan Rhodes the 5 time IM champ will be toeing the line." ITU stud Chris Sehulus had noticed the money up for grabs as well. We laughed and shrugged it off. It was a race that we knew we could smash despite the field. Aaron can move. He has gone sub 2 in olympic distances and won the amateur US open triathlon overall.

We figured if we could limit our losses on the 5k and hammer on the tandem bike we could win the race and claim the 2500 prize. We went to the line and Rhodesy made a gun motion at Scheidies and I. (seriously) He looked confident, but I could tell he was crying like a tiny baby squirrell inside.

The gun went off and we went with the leaders in a pack of 5. We were moving at my absolute limit. We hit halfway and were 30 seconds down on Sehulus and 15 seconds down on Rhodes. I was stunned. We were hauling ass and went through halfway at 8:15 or so. I was thinking, "I cannot let us lose this race in the 5k but I am not going to make it onto the bike." Aaron was flying. We hit the last hill (about 30 seconds from transtion) and Aaron basically dragged me up it. I was more of an anchor than a guide. We came in at 16:45!!!!!!! (best 5k ever) We were down by 30 seconds on Rhodes and 1:10 on Sehulus.

The tandem is unstoppable. We knew we had the money if we could smash the bike. 2 miles in we were down 10-18 seconds on Rhodes and 35 seconds on Chris and closing fast. I couldn't believe we were going to win a race with Michellie Jones and Bryan Rhodes in it. Then the worst happened. Aaron's pedal broke off which reduced us to a three legged monster. In the shock of the pedal incident, we missed a turn. We went back, adding about a mile and tried to get through the rest of the bike. Very difficult going up hills with a tandem with only three legs and a ton of weight. It's harder than a normal bike with both people pushing hard with all legs. With one person, it is like a midget toeing an elephant around on a rickshaw. I gave everything I had and Aaron's left leg was pushed to its limit. We were still passing people and after losing about 3 minutes we were back to about 14th place (a bummer after sniffing the lead). We pushed into the transition and gunned it to the pool passing another one on the 500m sprint to the water.

We finished in 13th....... dammit. We had the win. AGAINST BRYAN EFF WORDING RHODES.

Still it was amazing and the day was not lost. I loved guiding Scheidies as it turned triathlon into a real team sport... I ran my fastest 5k ever by about 30 seconds... and we met Bryan Rhodes after the race and found out he is staying in LA. We exchanged numbers and are going to hit the bike together in the next couple weeks.

After the race we bought 2 quarts of ice cream and plowed through about a quart between the two of us. It was kind of a "boyfriend dumps you so you console yourself with ben and jerry's" situation. The food coma put us out at 8pm and we slept for 11 hours.

Not bad for a dinky triathlon.

It was a great weekend with Aaron. He is hilarious and we just screwed around the whole time. He is great and his future is so bright he needs a sundress.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Chess Mate

Get ready for the best!!!!!! I ran pain free for the first time in a month and change. 10 minutes and it was not an issue. I have one thing to say to you, knee. CHESS MATE!!!!!!!!!! (watch horton hears a who now and go back and count the references)

Anyway, I have a race this weekend for a 2000 first prize. I am guiding my blind buddy and KSWISS athlete, Aaron Scheidies. He is the world champ disabled athlete so he is the real deal...going under 2 hours in an olympic several times. The race is a reverse tri with a 5k, 10mile bike, and 150 m swim... I have no idea why events this short exist or why they pay people to do them. Either way I am going to haul his blind ass to big big money.

Also, I am moving to the Dominican Republic! Caitlin (girl/best friend) got a job in Santo Domingo so.... I am getting learn spanish cds. It is one of her dreams to live abroad and I am pumped to tag along.

Songs that I hate:

Anything by the rolling stones except "get off of my cloud"

My Sherona

Things that I love:

Monkey videos!!!!!!!!!!!! Monkey are just humans without rules.

check these out. you will laugh, you will cry, you might even be disgusted. But you will be a better person for watching them....

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


Here is the general rundown...
Race day was about 40-45 degrees with a water temp of 55. The swim was long. The winds were about 15mph. The run was flat and pretty fast. Times were incredibly slow. About 9-10 minutes slow.
My race-
Swim start was a bit of a shock as the lead group gapped me within 100m. I was then strung out swimming alone, but swimming pretty well. I came out a minute down to the lead group which was fine.

Got on my bike and had a climb right out of transition which was comfortable. I got going and immediately started a bout of puking that was unbelievable. My arm was covered in bile after mile 4. I didn't stop until mile 20. I couldn't put anything down until then without it being splatttered over my jersey. Also, the power on the bike was awful compared to New Orleans 70.3 which is 2.5x the distance. I was around 275-280 as opposed to 290 watts. No idea what happened but I biked like a dog. The good thing was I didn't let anything take me out of the race despite things not going my way.

Got into the run and felt good for the first 5k going through at 18 flat or so. The knee felt a bit tight but nothing like New Orleans. At mile 4 the wheels came off but I dug incredibly deep and held it together to average 6:10's which is pretty marginal. I kind of expected that as I didn't get to put in the run training I wanted after the car crash.

Overall- I was incredibly happy with my effort as I absolutely had nothing left when I hit the line. And what little I had left, I immediately puked up. I was pretty bummed about my place/ speed. I was as flat as old miller light. Sometimes the day is magic and sometimes your body does not show up to the party.

Best part- The team did brilliantly. One of my good buddies, Matt Inch, placed 12th with a stellar race. I constructed his month and a half long training block leading up to nationals so it was awesome to see the training pay off for him. We placed 5th out of 68 as guys, 10th for girls, and 7th overall as coeds. Really great performance all around. The best part was everyone I saw raced harder than I have ever seen. MSU raced with heart which is something not a lot of teams can say.

Here are some of the funeral I held for my bike... pregnant women and children look away.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


USAT collegiate nationals is this saturday... This race really gets me going beyond any other triathlon or race. I jitters just thinking about it. My training had gone pretty well and I felt primed about 4 weeks ago which was ironically the day I got smacked by a car. Now my knee is the big question mark. It has already caused one DNF( a race the week after the accident) and one oprah paced half marathon at the tailend of a half iron race. It has been coming along much better since the half two weeks ago. The swelling is only minimal when I put force into it and I still have a few days to heal so I am hoping.
My team is ready to fly. We have three guys who should go around 2 hours or sub 2 and one guy who should be about 3-4 minutes back. This should be enough to mix it up with the better teams.
My goal: air it out from the gun and move the bike at a hard pace shooting for about 300-315 watts to leave a little in the tank and then let my guts hang out on the run. I want to hit the line thinking if that race was a half mile longer I wouldn't have finished.

The next time I write I will have taken it deeper than I ever have. It is time to find another gear.

Monday, April 6, 2009

New Orleans

New orleans with the evotri team was quite a trip. I couldn't make this stuff up. First off, I had so much fun with everyone. They are absolutely hilarious… I wish I could have stayed much longer. New Orleans was awesome as well. It was my first time in NO so the cool architecture and grunge of the city was really interesting.

I guess I will start with the flight into NO… I nearly missed the flight thanks to a family trying to check four pugs in the baggage area. I got on the plane just as it was closing boarding… breathed a sigh of relief, and took my seat across the aisle from a hilarious five year old. She was talking to her pink stuffed animal and cleaning his giant sunglasses for the entire flight. As we were landing, we had some serious bumps and I was so impressed with how she handled them… she was calmer than the grown men who were jumping out of their skins behind me. Just as I was thinking about that, she started projectile vomiting all over the seat and floor. It went on for about 30 seconds and I had to yell at her mom to get her to notice. I went to gather some towels and started helping her mom clean the puke… her mom was so frazzled and embarassed that she flicked puke all over my arm. Brilliant.
Now on to the race, I felt alright in the days leading up with my forced taper from the car accident. I was confident in my swim as I have been hitting really good times in the pool and came out first in my age group by over a minute… which is new for me. I had several annoyances on the bike, the first of which being my powertap computer falling off my bike four times costing me about 1:30 - 2:00 I would guess. The second was the enormous head wind coming back into transition. Both were acceptable though, as I got into t2 right behind third place. Average watts of about 287 give or take the first section when I cleared the meter so I think about 290 (probably a tad too hard but I was trying to really go deep on the bike a la chris lieto).

The run was a different story. As soon as I hopped off the bike, my knee screamed in pain from the car accident (see below post). I had to abandon a short race last weekend and couldn't stomach the thought of another dnf. I was done being smart with the injury and I was absolutely compelled to finish. I hobbled out of t2 and set a blazing pace that took me in with a 2:35 1/2 marathon (Approximately Oprah Marathon pace). Sad, because I was having my best half ironman compared to the field I have ever had and had I run my worst half marathon (excluding this death march) would have come in at 4:40 and given the conditions would have been a great race. However, I experienced part of a race I have never seen. The back half of the field and the less fit athletes are essentially on a death march. It was amazing… the grit some of those people showed was really something. Some were unbelievable sallies and bent to the pain a bit, but the majority were possessed by the finish line and ignored everything else.
Major takeaway from this season so far has been up top and between the eyes. I am really getting a teeth baring mentality when I race and I am getting better at focusing throughout the day. I am getting much better at smashing the dark parts of the race and hopefully my knee will get better so I can really unleash.
The flight back was also a bit eventful. I was wasted from the effort of the day as my swim bike was a huge effort. I slept a bit but the pain in my knee woke me up and I had to get up to stretch it a bit. By then it was melon sized and I asked for some water as I was walking around. Suddenly a rush of pain went to my knee and I passed out. Hit the floor and watched as the rushed for the oxygen. After sucking on pure o2 for 45 minutes, I was fine. A bit ashamed for passing out from pain, but it was kind of a funny incident.
The knee is still a ways away from being 100%. Sorry for the long windedness, but it was a jam packed three days. Bottom line, my knee sucks, my team rocks. Oh also, I met MACCA!!!!!!!! He is more beautiful in person. I shook his hand and he drank from my water bottle. I am sleeping with the bottle he touched.

May all your Clevelands be Steamy and your Donuts filled with Jelly!