Chubby Bunny and the Airing of Grievances

I've been living in some sort of fantasy world where black licorice is a main food group and pizza is a breakfast food. Apparently my body has reacted to this and I have turned into a flabby goblin. I look like a marshmallow peep after 20 seconds in the microwave. Vile. Licorice just got thrown out.

On another note.... I'd like to share a very embarrassing story. I just got back from a trip to the ER. Here is a stupid explanation...I was operating on my powertap hub and trying to update the hub. I lacked the tool to remove the shell so I was using a knife. MISTAKE. I cut myself pretty deeply right on the knuckle. Quite frankly, I slit the hell out of my knuckle. My finger was absolutely puking blood all over my disc wheel. It was one of those legendary paper cuts.

My Mom is a nurse and Dad is an ER doc and they have conditioned me to not go to the hospital as most injuries just sort themselves out. Apparently the only exception to the rule is paper cuts

It was healing up slightly until I started writing a couple days ago. I was writing a christmas card and a few thank you cards and some checks... I incidentally was bending the heck out of it. About an hour later it had tripled in size

and I was calling my Dad to explain the situation (should have done that a week ago). He told me to get seen which worried me as that is coming from a man who has operated on me with a sewing needle that he had held over a candle. Again... who knew that paper cuts on the knuckle are the only exception to the never go to hospital rule. Anyway, I was just there to get on a course of antibiotics really. Thank god though cuz the Jersey Shore was on in the ER waiting room. I would say booya but that wouldn't do justice to the level of excitement that was gained from watching snooki screech like a howler monkey in heat even despite my finger pains.

Blair Witch Running PSA

Listen, bloggers. I am writing a PSA. Being prepared is critical. This extends from how to handle your food when camping, to knowing how to fix a flat tire, and even to predator/prey situations. Don't bother reading this if your idea of a good time is cozying up on the sofa and catching up on your DVD of Lost Season 2. Continue reading if you have one too many coffees and start thinking that finding a coyote in the wild and attacking it might be a good idea. You are my target audience...

Some baller taking life by the B@ll$ and confronting a coyote on Snowboard

Here goes:

You never know when you will need to escape. But I can tell you one thing... if you wait to find out when, it's already too late. Constant vigilance isn't enough. You need to be ready. I know you're probably thinking, "HOLY CRAP! What if I get eaten by a falcon or worse? JP! HELP! LOL! TELL US WHAT TO DO." Settle down. You're lucky I am writing this.

Escaping is critical. It is an essential skill that few, in our sedentary, feeding trough society, could do properly. So without further ado: here is my guide for developing your flight mechanism.

1. Get a headlamp (all good ideas start here)

2. Lie in wait til that bothersome sun goes away and has been gone for several hours. Make sure the moon isn't around either.

3. Play some "Comfort Eagle" by cake, bong a few energy drinks, and snort some cayenne. This is a critical step to heighten your senses.

4. Go outside and run directly into a forest.

5. Run around until you are disoriented. This should take at least 30 minutes.

6. Now... you should be around some animals. Even squirrels will do... Remember, this is a dry run. It's better if the animals aren't big.

7. With your heightened senses from step 3 and sight deprivation, your ears are firing on all cylinders.

8. Stop and turn off your light.

9. As soon as you hear a twig crack, SPRINT for your life. It's the blair witch you dumb ass.

10. You should be lost by now, just like those stupid kids. You are probably also frightened. Don't panic or pee yourself, you coward. Use your wits to get home. The key is to sprint like a scared rabbit every time you hear anything.

Repeat this as many times as needed until you feel equipped to deal with any bird of prey attack or run in with a bully.

I am training again! I'm back baby.

A NEW REGIME!

The past two days have been the first two under a new regime. I am no longer in the driver seat, piloting wherever I please, lazing about in the pool like a crawdad. I have a coach and I am pumped!

Jill Savege is taking the reins from my incompetent hands. I was sold after we met the first time and found out how aligned we were in terms of training philosophy. She has excelled at a variety of distances. She was on the Canadian National team, won multiple world cups, and has a few top Ironman places and a top 10 at Hawaii.

If I tell you any more I will have to kill you, but you can bet your ass I will be ballin this season.

In other news, I slit my finger wide open while messing with a knife. I don't want to go into specifics of how or why I was doing what I was doing with said knife. My mom reads this and it will make her anxious. I bled like I would never get a chance to bleed again and it got all over my disc wheel and my computer.

My family has been conditioned to not go to the hospital so that wasn't an option. Mom is a nurse and Dad is a doctor so they see a lot of false alarms and they made sure we were never among them. I figured out (read: googled) how to cut butterfly bandages to bring the skin together as it was on the knuckle. However, this was after a day of bleeding all over and several failed bandaging attempts. I splattered it all over my disc wheel and dripped on my computer. It has stopped now.

Potato Reenactment

Finally, I have some BIG news. I may have scored an interview with a LEGEND. I will give you a hint: he is one of the Big Four. If you don't know what I am talking about, google it or stick your head in an oven or something. I have already interviewed two of the four so you have a 50/50 chance. Stay tuned.

Iris Questions and Answers

Disregard this post if you aren't pretty interested in triathlon training. It will put you to sleep. It probably will anyway. I don't care.

One of my friends, Iris, recently asked for some input on her upcoming season and how to structure it. Good questions. Trying to provide some useful feedback got me thinking and I thought I would share my answer. These are some things that have taken a long time for me to learn. Disclaimer: training is so individual that, while this is great training for me, it may leave something to be desired for you. Different strokes for different folks. Anyway, on with the show.

Training:

This statement “Anyway, pretty soon I really want to start doing lots and lots and lots of training.” is not a good idea. Start lightly with mostly aerobic stuff. Keep it pretty aerobic/ steady for 6-8 weeks, then you can start to inject some intensity. Keep in mind, aerobic does not mean slow. It is pretty challenging to keep steady and not fade when in your aerobic zone. It starts out feeling easy then it gets pretty tough once you are a while in… Once you can maintain power for say 2.5-3 hours on the bike, you have earned the right to continue to intense training. Think of it as graduating to harder training.

Here are some basic guidelines and things that have worked for me (may not work for you)

· Consistency in all disciplines, almost never went more than 72 hrs between sessions in each sport

· Frequency in running to build durability... A lot of injuries come from people neglecting to train their connective tissue (doesn’t have to be long but I was running 5-7 times a week most weeks- low intensity on most)

· Strength on the bike (lots of steady/ mod hard efforts… building the distance on these during the major IM build)

· Continuous swimming was a good addition but I was lacking variety/ overall length in swim training

· I used lots of caution with intensity but probably too little development of top end

· Racing infrequently to keep training blocks uninterrupted (probably not applicable to you as you seem to handle a large race load…big difference between small girls and large guys)

She then asked a question about recovery and the 3 weeks on, 1 week off axiom of triathlon training....

I disagree with the 3 up 1 down system...this is the structure that most people follow, but I have found that it is too long to train and too long to recover. I think most people would do better with a 10-16 day training period followed by a 2-5 day block of recovery... I find that overall I can take fewer recovery days this way and hit the training with fresher legs.

For example, If you can make 10 days of training, then take 2 recovery days to feel fresh, then repeat. You have just completed 20 training days and 4 recovery days vs the 3 up 1 down system of 21 training and 7 recovery days ... 10 and 2 is more efficient and generally the 10 and 10 are more quality than 21 straight. Personally, if I train hard longer than 16 days and try to make it 21, the last five days are shit and worthless in terms of building fitness. To make matters worse, it almost always takes the full 7 days to fully recover. The point is to maximize your training time during your blocks and get completely fresh during your recovery... Simple but not easy.

I take recovery by feel. If it takes 2 days to feel completely fresh, then good and I will immediately get back into training. If it takes 7, then fine but the point is to feel completely fresh. Same with training, if you get blasted quick then take a day off. You should end your training block feeling properly tired... not too deep in the bucket, but definitely not fresh... it takes a long time to learn what is properly tired. It takes time to learn the system that is best for you.

My overall guidelines are to be frequent, be consistent, don’t overdo it in any individual session and don’t get caught up in competition in practice…sometimes is ok but all the time is not, be diligent about recovery, minimize processed food and gluten. Work in the following order: form then aerobic/strength then speed.

Chelsea, MI... I am thankful for you! LOL

I am writing this from a flight back from Michigan. I am on a spirit air flight that feels more like a stuffy cattle car. I am, once again, crossing my long legs to give my lengthy femurs space in the hell-pod they call a seat. It is thoroughly rotten but only you know my plight, bloggers. I suffer in silence…but not electronically. To you, I wail like a banshee. The good news is my flight is like the exact opposite of how the previous several days went.

Spending thanksgiving at home was exceptional. I got home on Tuesday and hung around with my parents, sister, and a ton of good friends. The one bad decision was more or less mainlining gravy and beer for several days. I have never been a huge gravy person, but things change…people change. Profound, I know.

Highlights of the thanksgiving break include but are not limited to seeing Cullen (roommate from MSU and all around sarcastic, hilarious, hobbit lookalike), Travis and Alex (friends from Chelsea who are affectionately known as trailmix due to their recent engagement), Rory and Aaron (cute, music-loving lifemates and friends from Chelsea), Leroy (roommate and ballerina teacher from MSU, in addition good buddy), Inch (MSU tri buddy going to Kona with me) and Monica (ring maker and certainly in the top ten of most likable people in the world). Lauren, Kelly, Adam, Kathleen, and I am sure I am forgetting others, made lamentably small but enjoyable appearances.

The best was seeing my mom, dad, and sister. As far as families go, they are absolute legends and hanging out was about the most excellent thing I could have imagined.

My mom is the most loving, fun woman bar none. She is also a ridiculously good cook. She is better than you mother. Flat out. I am not biased. Come see. My dad is probably the most hilarious person on the planet. He is also incredibly competent and a man of serious integrity. My sister is my best friend. She is the greatest and our connection runs stupidly deep. She and I see eye to eye on nearly everything and are more or less clones. She is the greatest. I love them more than I can possibly communicate on a dumb @$$ blog.

I am thankful for everyone in my life. I am more blessed than I could have ever dreamed. My life may have a confusing script and the lead role may be played by a mildly irritating bumbler, but I have a phenomenal supporting cast. I love you all and thanks for making the week great.

Here are some photos so you can see the people who I constantly yammer about...

Me and Leroy enjoying a moment together

Rory and I baywatchin' it up

Cullen and I molesting the Green Lantern at six flags... during this picture taking session he yelled, in a raspy voice, "why are they doing this?" hahaha. No good answer for that.

Alex me and Travy! FUNNNNNNNN!

Family of legends!

Attention Deficit

Look-bloggers. You are going to have to forgive my antsy/hostile/over-enthusiastic/spastic/ bipolar behavior/writing. Apparently, I come bleeping unglued when I don't exercise. It's not that I am physically twitchy or anything... well actually I do have epilepsy (true) but that's beside the point. It is just that my moods are like stuck in overdrive. I am like a roller coaster. I am just as likely to kick a kitten off an overpass in a blind fury as I am to get teary-eyed over an episode of glee.

Shit man. I need to get untired soon so I can go nuts with exercise again. Time is wasting and Lance Armstrong is getting fitter as we speak.

Adios for now... I'll leave you with an awesome quotes

"OMG! LOL! I am going to tweet about your ignorance!"- My Sister, Rachel (talking shit about Monks' lack of touch with technology)

"All this fuss over a pork sandwich?"- Caitlin Dark (after listening to me and my roommate rave for fifteen minutes about pulled pork)

"You are delightful...but certainly not now"- Caitlin Dark (after hearing me declare how delightful I thought I was being)

"You're not having one of your private dance parties again, are you?"- Caitlin in reference to my epilepsy... she thinks it is funny to poke fun at my illness... sick.

One of those is fake... can you guess which one?

Here are a few more pics of IM... This post is all over the place

Did you get motion sick from reading this yet? Whatever, I'm going to watch legally blonde!!!!!

Ironman Epilogue

What have I been up to post-Ironman?

Well, it all starts with absolute gluttony. Here are some highlights... race night was capped off by a saline IV to keep me from passing out, followed closely by 3 slices of pizza, 2 greasy pretzels, 1/2 box of hot tamales, and 1/2 bag of sour patch kids. The IV was critical in allowing me to be conscious while ingesting the rest of the stuff.

Following my return to California, I reintroduced myself to cereal... with style. 2 boxes of eggo cereal, 1 box of pb crunch and now I am starting on cinnabon cereal. The major highlight was eating 5 frozen snickers bars in 4 hours. I have put on my allotted amount of belly fat for the off season...in a week! I look like a marshmallow puff. Excellent.

I have done no exercise except thursday when I went out on a bike ride. My legs feel sweet. I have amazing range of motion but my lungs and heart are so deeply fatigued it is insane.

Yesterday Cait and I went to Solvang (a fake danish town) and poked around.

We went to an apple orchard where we launched apples at each other like guerillas, dodging in and out of trees, and took senior pictures by an obscenely large pumpkin.

Yes I wear sweat pants in public, does it look like I care?! WHAT!? THUG LIFE

First two shots captured me in my element.

Then things got serious....

HAHAHAHA! This was just her natural pose when I said, "ok now you take a picture with that pumpkin"... I burst out laughing and told her it wasn't a senior picture. But actually I guess it was... Not sure what goes on in that pretty little head sometimes.

After seeing her elegance with the pumpkin, I had to try....

These pictures are actually better than my real senior pictures. I won't show those because I think it will bring back annoying memories for my mom. She is a very patient woman and already had to live through my high school years once.

I did a 10k today and wow... what a mistake that was. I did it because Nokia comped my entry so I figured eh why not... Why not? Because you are 1 week removed from an Ironman. But it's free! Not running would be like looking a gift horse in the mouth and then shooting it in the face. No sir. Not me. I may be a lot of things, but stupid is not one of them.

Look at that stupid idiot who thinks this 10k is going to be anything other than slow, humbling, and uncomfortable

Anyway the race went absolutely horribly after mile 2. My legs are shockingly pretty smoked (albeit less so than I thought) and my heart and lungs are being obstinate little bastards right now. I did manage to hold off the 3rd place woman to take 20th overall in a legendary time of 41 minutes and change. That was certainly the hardest 41 minute 10k I have ever done. As I type this, I have sort of an achy feverish feeling and am inexplicably cold. That is from dipping into a well that has already run dry. Lesson learned.

That is the face of a piss poor time, uncomfortable effort, and nearly getting chicked at the finish! Racing is great though. Free racing is the best. Fully catered run.

Macca and Terenzo Bozzone were there too, which was awesome. I had interviewed Macca with Simply Stu earlier in the week but At&T failed me again and I was spat off the call mid way through... I apologized for the snafu. He was incredibly mad and spat in my face. He then turned over the table he was sitting at and stormed off, screeching curses like an irritated howler monkey..... Weird I know.

Actually, he was very good natured and told me about his blistering 23 minute 5k. He and Terenzo set the world on fire in the 5k fun run, finishing mid pack... guess that shows you the level of talent at the Calabasas Classic. Even the people with baby strollers can outpace a couple of world champs.

Adios for now...