Monday, January 3, 2011


Hey guys! I am back... Just in time for you to begin your weak attempts at new years resolutions. Now, many of you think the trivial and cliche new years resolutions are the way to go. It seems everyone wants to get a gym membership, start volunteering, spend more time with family, live everyday like it's his or her last.... PUKE. Most don't stick. Let me enlighten you.... FACT: 93.4% of gym memberships are stupid. FACT: A gym is a festering den of germs, sin, and bacteria. FACT: Most people who go to gyms end up making their arms look like giant mushy hams instead of lean striated muscle.

Here's my take... if you are going to go down (all resolutions do) you might as well go down aiming high. That doesn't mean making your family volunteer at a gym for one whole day and then killing them. My opinion is that we all should resolve to try to become renaissance men and women. What does this mean? Well, my friends and I spent one drunk night coming up with a list of 10 qualities that are indisputable and should be treated as law. They are as follows:

1. Know tons of latin names of plants
2. Able to manage finances deftly...but knows how to make it rain when appropriate (see pacman jones)
No... I said, I'm NOT crazy! NOT crazy! Where's Roger Goodell? He can vouch for me.

3. Chops (musical, facial hair, etc)
4. Huge physical prowess. Able to go sub 9:25 in an Ironman.
5. Multi lingual.
6. Well read... it's ok to read comics or books with pictures sometimes but not always.
Gaston validates my opinion that Twilight is garbage and Stephenie Meyer should be put in prison for what she has done to a generation of youth

7. Discerning taste buds... but doesn't get confused by trends like drinking coffee made from cat poop.
I'm not sure if it is worse to be the first one to drink coffee from cat poop or if it is worse if you drink it thinking it is cool because it shows up in a trendy midtown new york coffee shop...

8. Super artsy but never breaks the law like those evil grafitti artists. Hey Banksy, next time write a letter to your senator you lawless goblin.
Check out what I did on the internet in 15 SECONDS!!!!! OH YEAH ARTSY YEAH!

9. Good with knives and other tools.
10. Super CURIOUS about EVERYTHING!!!!!

I've already done like everything on that list but that's neither here nor there. I just have to grow some chops and learn how to wield a knife. But this isn't about me. This is about you, bloggers. Get going.


Sean said...

As of late, your posts are like those of a rabid donkey who has ingested too much crushed red pepper through his nose.

I'm just saying.

mrzagata said...

coating food in sriracha does not mean you have discerning taste buds.