Not talking about the standard green bean that may or may not cause flatulence. I am talking about the bean responsible for the elixir of the Gods. The coffee bean may get a lot of love. But let me tell you it is STILL underappreciated. Here are some comments about the beauty of coffee.
1. Nothin gets my colon rollin’ like a huge cup in the morning…Sorry coworkers. You should thank your lucky stars for industrial flushers.
2. I would snort or mainline the beans if the drink weren’t available
3. No other substance could literally support a billion dollar industry that has representatives rivaling McDonald’s. Suck it beer.
4. Move over compulsive exercisers, because this is the most socially accepted addiction ever.
5. If you drink too much alcohol you are labeled an alcoholic and have to go to classes like a sucker. No such stigma for coffee drinkers. So go ahead, drink that whole pot you pathetic junkie.
6. Coffee smells better than everything. Nothing comes close…except apple cider and donuts but if you had those every day you would balloon up as fast as Eddy Murphy puts on a fat suit for money. It’s amazing how often he has tried that fat thing… Idiot.
7. Science rationalizes coffee ALL the time. It prevents gout! It’s an antioxidant! It reduces your risk of Gallstones! It makes you see Jesus! Science can’t stop thinking of weird ways that coffee is baller. I can see them all sitting around in lab coats, guzzling coffee, and as the time goes by they get more excited from the caffeine and more frenetic about their slanted research.
8. Coffee has improved ice cream, milk, candy, and has provided us with an enormous source of caffeine. We have impregnated a ton of different things with said caffeine that would otherwise be boring and not worthwhile. I feel like people who drink energy drinks are just being disrespectful.
I'm getting another coffee. BOOYAH