Sunday, October 3, 2010

Nutrition Bible. Read this because I'm smarter than you.

Today I was out on a ride, thinking about the previous day's workout. It went awesome butI hate those long days mainly because I have to practice my race nutrition plan on them... Race nutrition is the biggest bunch of bull shit ever. Think about how many triathletes say "oh I would have nailed that race but i screwed up my nutrition" or "I was clicking along at 6 minute miles then I started barfing fruit punch gatorade right and left" or " I drank too much hammer heed and started hallucinating that Bon Jovi was sexually harassing me" .... too many.

This is the ultimate scam perpetrated by marketing departments. This sugary garbage is hugely overpriced but the kicker is... most of it fails MISERABLY at its only goal: keeping you functioning in a race situation.

Most of you who know me, know I am very opinionated. Also, you probably know I am nearly always right... basically what I am saying is what follows can essentially be treated as the definitive BIBLE, if you will, of race nutrition:

Now, I know bloggers really aren't that smart and can't handle reading things without pictures so I will do my best to dumb this down by creating a metaphor (don't be scared... this still isn't a book) relating nutrition companies to high school social hierarchy.

PLEASE! Before you drink the Race Nutrition Kool-Aid... read this.

Gatorade is like that girl in high school who does everything. She is the head cheerleader, she sings in the choir, she is the student council president. You see her everywhere. Also, she is in your advanced classes, pretending to be smart, and constantly asks really stupid questions. You see where I am going.
Gatorade is useless. Despite having derrick jeter telling you it's sweet and having a crap load of "science" behind it, it fails ALL THE TIME. If it hasn't failed you, give it time. The only people it may not fail are golfers, race car drivers, and baseball players. They could drink battery acid and perform fine. But also, they aren't athletes. Gatorade- you suck.

Clif bar is like that hippie girl in your classes who, at first, looks really interesting and says cool anti-establishment things. Then you get closer to her and she smells like rotten mexican food and sweat. Also, she is a painter and her art sucks.
Clif bar touts its organic ness and how the company takes "the road less travelled"...I puked in my mouth and I am not even eating their crap product. Who gives a S^%$ about organic. Last thing I am thinking about when I am puking clif bloks all over my bike shorts is how environmentally conscious the company is. Clif Bar- you are progressive but you still suck.

Hammer nutrition. HA! Hammer is that horribly acne'd, hugely obese, horrifically mean person in high school. You look for the best in everyone but, after thorough investigation, this person really has no redeemable qualities. Amazing, I know.
I can't even believe they are still in business. Every product is a failure. AN EPIC FAILURE. This company is so out of touch it's insane. You're better off drinking bacon fat and eating cake frosting. Hammer- you suck more than I can express in words.

Moral of the story is the only thing that works is water. Water is sadly not enough for long races. That being said... Powerbar and Gu gel get a blue ribbon for winning this toilet bowl of pathetic products. Congrats, you guys suck the least.

Coke also gets an honorable mention as accidentally being probably the best product around for racing. Imagine if it was still made with coca leaves. That stuff was probably off the charts.


Laura Wheatley said...

This is hilarious and I thoroughly enjoyed (and for the most part, agreed with) the analogies!!

Stuff I actually like- Have you tried First Endurance EFS lemon-lime sports drink or the Vanilla Liquid Shot?? What high school clique would you put them in?? :)

Alan Finder said...

I do believe Coca-Cola currently has a US Government issued license that allows it to import coca leaf to use in its "secret recipe".

JP Severin said...

I haven't given EFS a fair shake yet. All this stuff is too expensive. We'll say for now EFS is that girl who you think is ugly and sort of melts into the background...(she may or may not be attractive when she takes off her glasses, but I have yet to decide...she may still be a hideous troll)

Sweet said...

You can do Ironman on regular foods. Banannas are excellent, pbj in a ziploc, plain bagels, fruit snacks. Cara likes cheddar goldfish and saltine crackers. Check out my common sense nutrition guide:

Bruther said...

Love the post, mostly agree but (and sort of kidding here) don't hate on Derek Jeter the most talented and conscientious, loyal, bad-a** ball player ever. Again, great post.